George Takei’s Product Reviews On Amazon Are All I Hoped They Would Be And More.

The Star Trek star and Facebook favorite has taken his pun-derful sense of humor to Amazon.

George_Takei

1. BACON SHAPED THEMED ADHESIVE BANDAGES

bacon

George Takei’s rating: 2 Stars

“Not to pork fun at an injury, but nothing strips the pain away like meating friends out dressed like this. ‘That’s sow wrong, George!’ they squeal. But fat chance they let such a pig idea go. In fact, they often rip it off quickly—after giving me the cold shoulder.”

 

2. DEER REAR WITH BOTTLE OPENER

deer-butt

George Takei’s rating: 5 Stars

“Deer friends: Looking for the perfect ‘hunting lodge’ accessory? No ifs, ands or butts, this is a staggering find. As any John Doe could tell you, mount this baby on your wall and BAMBI! Instant party. Now when guests ask me to open their beers, I just say ‘Go buck yourself.'”

 

3. LOOKING FOR… THE BEST OF DAVID HASSELHOFF

dont-hassle-with-the-hoff

George Takei’s rating: 4 Stars

“When ‘Knight Rider’ and ‘Bay Watch’ ended, I felt a distinct void in my life. Without Hasselfhoff’s bouncing pecs gracing my television, life simply felt drab and unfulfilling.”

 

4. HORSE HEAD MASK

horse

George Takei’s rating: 4 Stars

“I purchased this mane-ly for anonymity, but instead it was a night-mare that saddled me with un-bridled panic.”

“At a recent Comic Con, I donned the mask wearing my best track suit, jockeying for a simple laugh: ‘What do gay horses eat?’ I queried, eager to bray ‘Heeeeeyyyy!!’ Comic gold, friends, I know.”

“But the neigh-sayers came unglued. ‘No! You’re George Takei! I know that voice!'”

“Now, it doesn’t take a gallop poll to know what happened next. I hoofed it out of there with herds of fans riding my ass, shouting till they, too, were…horse.”

 

5. AMERICAN FLAG PANTS

pants

George Takei’s rating: 5 Stars

“I’ve often wondered, though, whether things would have been different if we’d simply been given a chance to demonstrate our loyalty.”

“That’s why when I go jogging around Hollywood, I always put on my BEST FORM AMERICAN FLAG PANTS while belting out a hearty ‘God Bless ‘Murica’ for all the passers-by. So moved are the myriad witnesses to my overt and unabashed patriotism that they stare, mouths agape, overcome with, well, something, as I fist pump the air with an enthusiastic ‘USA, USA!’, the soundtrack to Rocky blaring from our car stereo as Brad urges me on and hands me another Ensure to slug. Sly Stallone, eat your heart out.”

 

6. YODELLING PICKLE

pickle_0

 

George Takei’s rating: 1 Star

“I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, ‘Well, no more from that dispensary.'”

 

7. SQUIRREL UNDERPANTS

squirrel

 

George Takei’s rating: 3 Stars

 “We thought our friend’s hamster Frederick (he prefers the German Frederick, definitely NOT Fred or, gasp, “Freddy”) would appreciate this gift, as he often complains that ‘hees business’ is always on display, especially as he frolics in his wheel. But when we presented the ‘Accoutrements Squirrel Underpants’ to Frederick on his birthday, his disappointment was palpable. ‘Vell zen,’ he quipped crisply, as German hamsters so often do. ‘Ve are polite and must still appreciate da gesture, no?’ Frederick clearly expected something with a bit more ‘oomph.'”

 

8. CANNED UNICORN MEAT

unicorn-meat

George Takei’s rating: 2 Stars

“Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I’d been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).”

 

9. THE MOUNTAIN THREE WOLF MOON SHORT SLEEVE TEE

wolf-shirt

 

George Takei’s rating: 5 Stars

“This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn’t walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, “Hey, you’re that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren’t you?” Even if I wore sunglasses, I’d still get mistaken for Yoko Ono.

But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, ‘Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He’s sooooooo dreamy.’

Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is.”

 

10. FRESH WHOLE RABBIT

expesnive-rabbit

George Takei’s rating: 1 Star

“First of all, it is NOT at all as easy as it looks in that [Game of Thrones] scene. Meera and Osha made it look so simple. But both Brad and I pulling together couldn’t get that damn skin off. The rabbit wound up looking more like Theon Greyjoy’s finger than a rabbit.”

 

Scouted via Mental Floss


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